Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Just Accept It!

Acceptance of one's life has nothing to do with resignation; it does not mean running away from the struggle. On the contrary, it means accepting it as it comes, with all the handicaps of heredity, of suffering, of psychological complexes and injustices.-Paul Tournier

I experienced my first prejudice the other day. Not “fat prejudice”, I experienced that all the time. You know, when you’re sitting on an airplane and you see that fat chick walking down the aisle towards you and you are praying to all 10,000 documented gods that she doesn’t sit by you. You see her grunt as she lifts her huge carry bag into the compartment over your seat. You can see her heavy, round belly peaking out of her shirt as she struggles. It is the Otis Spunkmeyer of muffin tops. You think she is a disgusting, smelly sloth who clearly does nothing all day but eat high fat, high sugar foods and now she is heading towards that center seat next to you. She’s probably going to smell bad, too. This is going to be a shitty flight. You wonder how close to the window you can actually press your body against to avoid even touch her layers of lard that may rub off on you. Yeah…I’ve seen that look on people’s faces.

This was an “idea prejudice”.

I was at a friend’s house (whom I love dearly and consider a very dear girlfriend). She is a Christian and a good one at that! She has a huge heart. I think she gets a little amazed that someone like me, who she loves, is an Atheist. She has never had an issue with my beliefs. In fact, she likes to talk about it. We both enjoy the fact that Theist /Atheist thing really doesn’t affect our friendship. I love her.

Anyway…this particular night…she had some friends over at the same time. One of the friends walked through the area we were talking. My friend stopped him to introduce him to me. He took one look at me and said, “I am sorry. I can’t speak to you or be around you. I heard you talking about being an Atheist. I am a Christian and I just can’t be around that.”  He walked away. Now, granted, if I had been spewing some hate-filled, bashing of Christians I could understand his position. One of the ladies had simply asked me what I thought happened to us after we die. I said, “We die. Then our bodies decay into the earth.” because that’s what happens. I am not going to go into the “soul” because that’s probably where our ideas diverge. However, I think we can all agree:  bodies decompose. We have all seen CSI: Paramus. I don’t think it was a controversial statement. BUT…his reaction really hurt my feelings. Someone just saying to me, (and I am paraphrasing here) “You are a siren, cunt who is trying to seduce me away from my God. I can’t be tempted by your magical song.” That’s what I heard. He didn’t even want to know my name. He just heard I was an Atheist, therefore, inherently an evil person.  Sad.

As I drove home I started thinking about “faith”. Was his faith so strong that he didn’t even want to be around me? Or was his faith that weak? I spent a week at bible camp one summer; completely immerged in religion, prayer and fellowship. I enjoyed it. But…it didn’t change my mind. It educated me. Why was I not threatened by the Church? Why was I not terrified that listening to other people’s ideas didn’t necessarily have to sway mine. My wise Uncle Danny once told me, “My opinion is the last best argument I heard on the subject.” He is absolutely correct. Nothing the Church said was a better argument to me. I think it is because I have accepted what I can observe in the physical world as my reality. Not right or wrong.  Just the last, best argument I have heard on the matter. I concluded the opposite of faith is acceptance (at least in my case).

I wished, prayed, hoped, begged to be thin, and yearned to be accepted in society. Faith that I would get thin didn’t help. I ACCEPTED the fact that I had an addiction that needed more help than I could muster. Science saved me.

I wished, prayed, hoped that my marriage would last. I finally ACCEPTED that it was irretrievably broken and started healing.

I wished, prayed, hoped that I could live in my beautiful house forever. I ACCEPTED that I don’t want to be house poor, so downsizing is the better choice.

I wished, prayed, hoped that I would find a match for me. I will be 39 in two days….and it hasn’t happened yet.  I have ACCEPTED that maybe my life isn’t going to turn out the way I have imagined it for myself. That isn’t necessarily bad, it’s just different.

Faith has not been good to me. Acceptance has. The more things I am willing to accept as true, instead of wishing, praying, hoping that things will be different, the happier I have become. When you start seeing things for what they really are…it’s a powerful feeling.

When you have your head held high, it’s easier to see the obstacles in your way, and work your way around them.  

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Shallow, Self-Centered, Trivial Inspiration

Inspiration is a funny thing. It’s really in the eye of the beholder. Where you are in your life and your goals really determine where you find inspiration. I have been told that my journey through weight loss, divorce, dating again, etc. is inspirational to some people. I am going to assume that my public diary is “inspirational” because there are a lot of women in my same situation. I am just the only one attention whore-ish enough to publish it.

Honestly, “Inspiration” is a label I am uncomfortable with because I am not an inspiration. I am a fat girl who is PISSED off being invisible. I am sick and tired of being every guy’s “friend”.  I hate being good but just not quite good enough. I have been the “smart” one or the “funny” one. These are nice compliments but I want to be the “pretty” one. I want to look good naked. It’s pure, unadulterated, passionate vanity. That’s shallow and cold and not at all inspirational. See what I mean? Pretty trivial and self-absorbed, huh?

What is inspirational to me? My friends and family. Inspiration is not from someone who is shallow enough to have $10K worth of surgery, lifestyle changes, the gym, etc. just to get laid.

Inspiration is from my friends, Adam, Vicki and Lisa who have all lost their children and still manage to breathe every day. They find the strength to just live. That’s inspirational. The sheer determination to go on after something no one should ever have to suffer through is amazing to me. Adam actually gave me a hug the other day. *HE* gave *ME* a hug. He just lost his infant son a month ago. He is amazing.

I had reserved a huge space to lament about my perfect date that I never heard from again. I was going to carry on about how dating sucks and you can never read men and what a clear asshole he was….I seriously had some good material that included several douche references (not literal). But, how much does that matter in the grand scheme? So some douche nozzle (#1 douche reference) didn’t call my fabulous self back…his loss. At least, I get to talk my babies every day.

The bottom line is this: I am taking better care of me. I am moving from taking care of kids, husband, house, etc. to just being selfish for a while. I never got to… I was married with two kids (13 months apart) at 22 years old. I never did Spring Break. I never lived in a dorm. I never made huge mistakes with wildly inappropriate people…well…except for my most recent marriage. If selfish and shallow are inspirational, then it may be my thing.

Thank you to all those who have helped and supported me. *YOU* are my inspiration. The encouragement is my life blood. But, please, don’t say I am an inspiration. Save that for the real heroes, not just some fat chick with self esteem issues.

To the people who inspire me, “Promise me you’ll always remember: you’re braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think.” -Christopher Robin

To everyone else: Hug your baby.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

"Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love." Fiona Apple

You never know when inspiration is going to hit. Most of my inspirations come from the bathroom.  It comes to me in the shower, while brushing my teeth, while perusing the same three year old Cosmo I have sitting on the back of the toilet (did you guys know Heath Ledger died?) those are the times I get truly inspired.  I am a HUGE fan of pop culture, dare I say a “pop culture junkie”. However, I often find it rather annoying when people quote song lyrics or movie lines to make themselves seem witty or creative. You know that status update that says, “We are all just bricks in the wall.” Really, Roger Waters? Thanks for the insight. With that being said, it pains me to admit to being inspired by a Fiona Apple song lyric.

“Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love”

I was watching “Bridesmaids” with a couple of friends the other night. I have seen this movie three times in the theater prior to watching it on DVD. The last time I saw it was with Methling so I knew it would be therapeutic to watch it with friends and laugh…and not just remember it as the last movie I saw with my ex. In the scene where Annie (the BRILLIANT Kristen Wiig) is baking/decorating a cupcake there is a song playing in the background called “Paper Bag”. I liked the song and (totally legally) downloaded it.

As I was, let’s just say “in the bathroom waiting for inspiration to pass through me”, I had that song on in the background. I was trying to reconcile the fact that this blog was started to document my weight loss journey, but had morphed into a blog about all my life changes at this time, mostly my divorce and the prospect of dating again, when I heard this line, “Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love.” Holy shit (literally)! I was inspired!

Like any other addiction, you don’t get to “rock bottom” by not celebrating the object of your affection. I didn’t get to almost 300 lbs by NOT loving food.  I still LOVE food. I still watch the Food Network. I still wish I could eat whatever I wanted. Mentally, I know these things that I crave are bad for me. Physically, I simply CAN NOT over eat anymore. There are times that I don’t have any other options than unhealthy choices, so I just choose not to eat and yes, sometime starve myself. I tend to go to extremes. Instead of hurting myself by over eating, I hurt myself by not eating. This works for me in my twisted logic.

“Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love.”

It’s hard to admit, but I am hungry for more than food. I didn’t just lose food in 2011, I lost my husband. I lost my companion and everything good (and bad) that goes with it. I know the bad was very bad, but there was good there, too. I did bad things. He did bad things. It was bad and it’s over now. I miss the good. I miss having someone in my life. But, like with food, I am not willing to tolerate the bad. I’ll just starve for now.

So, with food and love, I just have to walk away right now. I don’t trust myself enough to make healthy choices in either. I have hope that my time will come though. One day I will discover how wonderful the good can be.

BTW…I didn’t legally download it.