It's My Pity Party and I'll Bitch If I Want To....

“This is a tough decision here. Get my ass kicked or collect $200. Let me think... I could use a good ass-kickin', I'll be very honest with you....” -My Cousin Vinny

When I was watching this movie the other day I thought to myself, “Yeah, I could use a good ass-kickin’, too”

I let my expectations interfere with my reality too much. I build up things, people and places in my head and have the nerve to be upset when those nouns fail to meet my elevated expectations. I set these lofty ideals, instead of being realistic, and then get upset when my reality gets in the way. I can never seem to appreciate nouns for what they are. For that, I need an ass kicking.

I need my ass kicked for not appreciating how wonderful my true reality is. I seem to live in this pit of despair over my never-ending divorce that has officially become more expensive than the actual wedding. I feel like a kid in detention, not being able to go play at recess on this stupid, injured foot that I refuse to see a doctor about.  Most notable evil, I found myself HATING, absolutely SEETHING angry over this poor physically handicapped woman born without half a body and her sweet fiancé. I feel I have crossed the line from bitter to hater.

Finally, I need to have my ass kicked for self-pity. What a wasted emotion that is! Is it human nature or just my nature to INSIST on seeing all the bad in my world and not all the things I can be happy about? I have so many things to be happy about, my job, my friends and family, my health (minus this injury that I am more annoyed with than anything else). So, I wonder, what exactly would make me happy?

Maybe it’s not about achieving a goal? Maybe it’s removing the, “I’ll be happy when (I get a promotion, reach 155lbs, have a vacation, met the perfect guy for me, etc.) from my though process. What if I try saying, “I *AM* happy when (I make healthy choices, I get to laugh with and snuggle Ty and Kyle, I get to spend time with my friends and family, playing with my dog, working on a great, fun, hard project at work, being there for other people, etc) You know, it was easier to write that list. What if instead of turning these guys down, I actually give one of ‘em a chance and go out on a date? That might increase my odds of meeting that great guy, one who really wants to be with me, not just “wants to be friends” or just wants to nail me….but a combination of both!

This weekend was a great one. Yeah…I couldn’t go for a run or go to the gym or take Sunny for a hike or going out to a bar or club. Instead, I spent time with some really dear friends, just hanging’ out. I had a wonderful time just being with people who I care a lot about. That’s enough for me.

This is not about lowering my expectations, but actually being happy with everything I have.

For all those reasons, I need a good ass kickin’ to put me back on my positive course. I can’t let these challenges and disappointments continue to haunt me. Now it’s just my fault if I let obstacles stop my forward progress.

No more self-pity! It’s for the weak!

The “Whys” Have It!

I have always wondered, “Why?” I remember being very young and constantly asking “Why?”  At one point in my young life my Dad just started answering with some bullshit, made up answers. He always answered me with confidence and I always believed him. It wasn’t until I was older that I realized, he didn’t know “why” either, but he was really good at making shit up in order to shut me up. Good plan.

Now it just goes on in my own head all the time. It is like living with a three year old in my brain that never shuts up:

Why does that person not know how to drive?

Why did she choose to wear that outfit?

Why does she not have any friends to tell her not to wear that outfit?

Why it is whenever the most embarrassing music on my playlist comes on (Backstreet Boys) is the exact moment someone walks into my office? (Please note you can substitute “I fart” for “the most embarrassing music”)

Why do I have a beautiful, petite mother and a giant, hulk of a father and I get the linebacker genes?

Why do I lose weight EVERYWHERE but my ass and boobs, making me look even more disproportionate?

Why do I sometimes still miss him?

I have myself convinced that if I know the “why” behind everything that happens in my life, I’ll be satisfied. It’s not the case. There is always another “why”.

I think this constant need for an input stream is why I have never seen, “The Big Bang Theory”, “Game of Thrones”, “True Blood” or any other “You HAVE to see (fill in the blank)” shows. No, I haven’t seen it. That is because I am home watching ridiculous documentaries or the freak shows on TLC. So, I may not be able to comment on pop-culture, but I can tell you how they fixed the Indian kid with the parasitic twin and how Kenedee, the primordial dwarf is doing in kindergarten.

I don’t mind the constant drive to learn. It has always been a part of me. I am so curious about everything. I’m sure people  find it annoying that I am always “interviewing” them. AND, not just regular questions like, “What do you do for a living?” but really, deeply personal questions like “WHY did you choose that career?” I have always been *too* open, so I make the poor assumption that everyone is like that. I find myself climbing out on a limb and looking back to see I am alone out there. Not everyone is always so forth coming. I think that tells me I am too "out there" for most peoples' taste. 

I had a conversation with friend a couple of weeks ago, telling me the “why” of a decision he had made. I said to him, “The reason why doesn’t matter if the outcome is the same.” That’s pretty good advice. Why can’t I live with that? (See what I did there) I want everyone to be transparent to me. Is that a control issue or is it because I am just uncomfortable with people when I feel like they are hiding something.

I think I will actively engage my “why” filter to see if it works. I pledge not to ask the *reason* for something unless it is imperative I know the answer. I’m going to try this for one week. This is going to be an interesting experiment. I will report my findings next week!