Shallow, Self-Centered, Trivial Inspiration

Inspiration is a funny thing. It’s really in the eye of the beholder. Where you are in your life and your goals really determine where you find inspiration. I have been told that my journey through weight loss, divorce, dating again, etc. is inspirational to some people. I am going to assume that my public diary is “inspirational” because there are a lot of women in my same situation. I am just the only one attention whore-ish enough to publish it.

Honestly, “Inspiration” is a label I am uncomfortable with because I am not an inspiration. I am a fat girl who is PISSED off being invisible. I am sick and tired of being every guy’s “friend”.  I hate being good but just not quite good enough. I have been the “smart” one or the “funny” one. These are nice compliments but I want to be the “pretty” one. I want to look good naked. It’s pure, unadulterated, passionate vanity. That’s shallow and cold and not at all inspirational. See what I mean? Pretty trivial and self-absorbed, huh?

What is inspirational to me? My friends and family. Inspiration is not from someone who is shallow enough to have $10K worth of surgery, lifestyle changes, the gym, etc. just to get laid.

Inspiration is from my friends, Adam, Vicki and Lisa who have all lost their children and still manage to breathe every day. They find the strength to just live. That’s inspirational. The sheer determination to go on after something no one should ever have to suffer through is amazing to me. Adam actually gave me a hug the other day. *HE* gave *ME* a hug. He just lost his infant son a month ago. He is amazing.

I had reserved a huge space to lament about my perfect date that I never heard from again. I was going to carry on about how dating sucks and you can never read men and what a clear asshole he was….I seriously had some good material that included several douche references (not literal). But, how much does that matter in the grand scheme? So some douche nozzle (#1 douche reference) didn’t call my fabulous self back…his loss. At least, I get to talk my babies every day.

The bottom line is this: I am taking better care of me. I am moving from taking care of kids, husband, house, etc. to just being selfish for a while. I never got to… I was married with two kids (13 months apart) at 22 years old. I never did Spring Break. I never lived in a dorm. I never made huge mistakes with wildly inappropriate people…well…except for my most recent marriage. If selfish and shallow are inspirational, then it may be my thing.

Thank you to all those who have helped and supported me. *YOU* are my inspiration. The encouragement is my life blood. But, please, don’t say I am an inspiration. Save that for the real heroes, not just some fat chick with self esteem issues.

To the people who inspire me, “Promise me you’ll always remember: you’re braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think.” -Christopher Robin

To everyone else: Hug your baby.

"Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love." Fiona Apple

You never know when inspiration is going to hit. Most of my inspirations come from the bathroom.  It comes to me in the shower, while brushing my teeth, while perusing the same three year old Cosmo I have sitting on the back of the toilet (did you guys know Heath Ledger died?) those are the times I get truly inspired.  I am a HUGE fan of pop culture, dare I say a “pop culture junkie”. However, I often find it rather annoying when people quote song lyrics or movie lines to make themselves seem witty or creative. You know that status update that says, “We are all just bricks in the wall.” Really, Roger Waters? Thanks for the insight. With that being said, it pains me to admit to being inspired by a Fiona Apple song lyric.

“Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love”

I was watching “Bridesmaids” with a couple of friends the other night. I have seen this movie three times in the theater prior to watching it on DVD. The last time I saw it was with Methling so I knew it would be therapeutic to watch it with friends and laugh…and not just remember it as the last movie I saw with my ex. In the scene where Annie (the BRILLIANT Kristen Wiig) is baking/decorating a cupcake there is a song playing in the background called “Paper Bag”. I liked the song and (totally legally) downloaded it.

As I was, let’s just say “in the bathroom waiting for inspiration to pass through me”, I had that song on in the background. I was trying to reconcile the fact that this blog was started to document my weight loss journey, but had morphed into a blog about all my life changes at this time, mostly my divorce and the prospect of dating again, when I heard this line, “Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love.” Holy shit (literally)! I was inspired!

Like any other addiction, you don’t get to “rock bottom” by not celebrating the object of your affection. I didn’t get to almost 300 lbs by NOT loving food.  I still LOVE food. I still watch the Food Network. I still wish I could eat whatever I wanted. Mentally, I know these things that I crave are bad for me. Physically, I simply CAN NOT over eat anymore. There are times that I don’t have any other options than unhealthy choices, so I just choose not to eat and yes, sometime starve myself. I tend to go to extremes. Instead of hurting myself by over eating, I hurt myself by not eating. This works for me in my twisted logic.

“Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love.”

It’s hard to admit, but I am hungry for more than food. I didn’t just lose food in 2011, I lost my husband. I lost my companion and everything good (and bad) that goes with it. I know the bad was very bad, but there was good there, too. I did bad things. He did bad things. It was bad and it’s over now. I miss the good. I miss having someone in my life. But, like with food, I am not willing to tolerate the bad. I’ll just starve for now.

So, with food and love, I just have to walk away right now. I don’t trust myself enough to make healthy choices in either. I have hope that my time will come though. One day I will discover how wonderful the good can be.

BTW…I didn’t legally download it.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.-Albert Einstein

The hardest thing about breaking a pattern is breaking it.

I know, I know. That’s some deep, metaphysical shit.

Here’s the dilemma: The reason you are in a pattern is because you are doing things the only way you really know how. To break a pattern, you have to do something different, something outside of your comfort zone or maybe something you haven’t even thought. It is so hard to see outside of your world. It is really hard to do something you haven’t tried or yet conceived.

In doing a lot of in depth, soul searching, I have discovered my whole life is patterns.  I have amazing ideas and poor follow through. I fall in love (practically instantly) and ignore red flags for the sake of my perception of some cosmic connection. I get bored easily. I rely on others for my self-worth. I will put just about everyone and everything before myself. I park in the same place every day (OK…let’s be honest, this one is so I won’t lose my car. I can remember all the artists and titles of every song ever written, but I can’t find my fucking car on a daily basis). I workout daily at the same time, to the same music on the same machines. I still sleep on “my” side of a king size bed (granted I replaced a man with a large dog on the other side…so my options are limited). What things should I change to break my patterns?

That’s not a rhetorical question. I genuinely don’t know how to change. I know (or like to think I know) a lot about a lot. In fact, many people don’t even WANT to hear my opinion on things (I am as shocked as you are).Self improvement is NOT one of my strongest traits. Going through as many life changes as I am…I had better figure it out.

There is a theory in Psychology by Leon Festinger called Cognitive Dissonance. Cognitive Dissonance is a discomfort caused by holding conflicting ideas simultaneously. The theory of cognitive dissonance proposes that people have a motivational drive to reduce dissonance. They do this by changing their attitudes, beliefs, and actions (thanks Wiki for the description). My description is a little easier:  Change your thinking and your behavior will follow. I have deduced that conversely, if I change my behavior, my mind will follow. In others words, if I play the role of the girl who has her shit together, eventually my shit will come together. Make sense?

(Dear Mom and Dad…aren’t you glad you paid for college? That little nugget is worth about $17,000)

SO…that brings me to the next question: Where do I start? Should I switch to the other side of the bed? Should I say, “No” when everything in my mind, body and soul is screaming, “Yes”? Maybe change my workout routine to some Country music (OK…that’s NOT going to happen)? Go after things I wouldn’t have gone after before OR leave things alone that I would have regularly perused? AND…really…to whoever is good enough to read my verbal diarrhea thus far, I would love your input. Where to start?

I think in the mean time I will start with the George Costanzia Theory of Everything: Whatever I think I should do, I’m gonna do the opposite.

One last word to Jenn: Tippy-god damn-Toe!

“Run Like Hell” -- Pink Floyd

It’s time to get my head caught up to my body.

I was running on the treadmill the other day in a Holiday Inn in Meridian, MS. and realized I had spent my all my free time running. I haven’t even sat down to write in too long.

I am not really sure if I am running from something or running to it? Eight years in a relationship with someone who just used me. Twenty years trapped in a body that doesn’t feel right. Eighteen years raising babies when I was a baby myself. When can I stop running? Or maybe I just need a direction change?

DIRECTION CHANGE: I have a lot of Pink Floyd on my Droid. I love to work out to The Wall and Darkside of the Moon. I am not sure why. When you think of heavy cardio, psychedelic rock is not the first thing that comes to mind. In fact, when I was in high school, the only people I knew who listed to Pink Floyd were stoners who couldn’t get laid unless mind bending drugs were in play. I just didn’t get it. I love them now. I love Zeppelin, too. …just never got it in my younger years.

I guess my tastes have just changed. I wonder what that makes my future look like? I replaced Color Me Badd with Floyd, so, clearly, I am making better decisions. I know that my future comes with a new found joy of life and a continuing comfort in my body. Hopefully, that means I can find someone else who would like to come into my body ….minus the mind bending drugs. (Dear Mom: That was only a literal joke. I am still a virgin.) What scares me is how will I react to someone new? Will I run to or away from them? And…even worse than that…why am I even thinking about it?

I swore I would be single for awhile before I even STARTED to look for someone. That’s hard to say in a “couples” world.  It is good that I am out of a bad relationship, but where does that leave me? Maybe I’ll be like Forrest Gump when Jenny left him…and just take off running across the country.

It’s scary to approach life single. It’s a marathon and not knowing if anyone is going to be there waiting for you at the finish line is a daunting. In the mean time, I’ll keep training, keep running. Maybe I’ll look up one day and see someone there running next to me. In the mean time, is it too much to ask for a training partner?

I have to warn you though…I am pretty competitive J

The Big Three-Oh!

The changes are unstoppable and unavoidable. They just keep on coming. So far, this month I have:  had a child move out, got out of marriage limbo, had major surgery, changed offices, changed my hair color, started eating a completely new way, started a new workout routine, looking for a new place to live AND lost 27lbs. For those of you math challenged, that’s three pounds away from 30 lbs. lost.

This got me thinking about 30.The age of 30 was a big year of changes for me, too. It was the year I left Texas.  I left Friday’s and joined Safeco.  I moved in with my mom and moved out six month later into my very first home of my own (with Ty & Kyle, of course). I met my best friend, Jenn. I met my soon-to-be ex-husband. I went through a total transformation. I guess I shouldn’t ever be surprised by the amount of change I can handle.

I am just a little over a year from turning 40 but have decided to stick to 30. I have nothing against 40…but I am not there yet. I am starting over at 30 again. This makes total sense to me. 40 seems too old for major life changes. I haven’t even had a chance to get stuck in my ways!

What does 30 year old Kristin look like? Smokin’ hot, healthy body; cute, little house in a trendy neighborhood (goodbye Highlands Ranch HOA Gestapo); happy, healthy boys leading fulfilling lives (not living with me), fabulous career and Seth MacFarlane….OK…well, maybe not THE Seth MacFarlane, but a sexy, fun, Liberal, Atheist, movie/TV/music/book/trivia buff, with a strong sense of humor who actually gets my jokes without additional explanation. Wealthy and well hung are nice to haves, but not a requirement (actually …on second thought…wealthy is a nice to have, well hung is a requirement!)) I figure I can afford to take my time and be picky right now. I have promised myself (and Jenn and my Mom)  I won’t start my search for Mr. Perfect until I am at goal weight. I figure I can’t expect my version of the perfect guy until I am my version of my perfect self. I owe Seth MacFarlane that much.

In the mean time, I will “roll with the changes” as REO Speedwagon so eloquently put it (BTW…I am pretty sure this is the first documented time “REO Speedwagon” and “Eloquently” have been used in the same sentence.) I will embrace all the good things that are happening and turn the bad into a learning experience.

The one thing that has been constant through all of this is my amazing friends and family. I am so blessed (and you know I *NEVER* use that word) to be surrounded by friends, family, co-workers, FB friends and on and on. You guys are what make change tolerable. You are the ones who give me strength and keep me smiling.

I hope you all plan to join me in Vegas January 2013 to celebrate my 40^th 30^th birthday! Until then….roll with the changes!

What a Difference a Day Makes!

I woke up today determined to make the choice to be happy…no, THRILLED…about my current situation. I reread my last blog entry and got really pissed at myself. What a fucking cry baby I am! I should be celebrating right now, not lamenting the loss of KFC, Ben and Jerry and Dr. Pepper. I look around me and see so many things to be overjoyed about. I have been very lucky in my life. I am ashamed that the thought of not being able to binge on wings and fries would get me down. I am better than that!

I decided to list the things I am grateful for….and I just had to add some things that annoy me because this all can’t be whimsical.

Things I am Grateful for (in no particular order):

• Grooveshark
• The dog park
• My boobs (I hope I get to keep them!)
• Target
• Whey Protein
• My new car
• Mommy
• My beautiful home with kick ass party decks (oh yeah…I have two!)
• My Boys (please see this under things that annoy me, too)
• DIRECTV!!
• Droid
• Seattle
• SAINTS!
• Fantasy Football (specifically, my QB Aaron Rodgers)
• My friends and family
• Sugar free popsicles
• Bath and Body Works
• Jimi Hendrix
• Seth MacFarlane (will he ever know how much I love him?)
• Pedicures
• Jenn (these are in order…because I know that bitch’s feet need some attention, too!)
• Scented candles (anyone who’s been to my house knows this is an addiction)
• George St. Pierre

Things That Annoy Me (in no particular order)

• People who use "literally" incorrectly. That, literally, makes me want to stick my pen in my eyeball
• Any modern pop singer
• Not trusting a fart
• People who don’t know how to use the self check-out
• Teenagers
• People who use quotes “incorrectly”
• My Boys
• People who stop in a merge lane. Fucking MERGE already!!!
• Texting and driving
• “Plus size” Halloween costumes
• People who drop in to see me, but are really only there because the bathroom outside my office is closed for cleaning and they are just really waiting to pee. You don’t fool me. 

I am sure there is more but I really wanted to focus on the positive of the day. I am down 22lbs. I think that number made it all worth it. Now…I can’t WAIT to get make into my full workout routine! I will see that number drop more AND I will fell stronger, sexier and more confident

If I could only trust a fart….life would be perfect.

Sucks and the City

One week down, a lifetime to go.

At this time last Tuesday I was waking up in the recovery room with a bad ass high and the feeling that I had just been shanked. Today, the bad ass high is gone but the feeling I have been shanked (physically and emotionally) is still here.

I don’t think I was fully prepared for the next steps. I was so focused on my ultimate result that I never considered the transition phase; the actual hard work that comes with this level of transformation. I feel depressed and lethargic. I don’t know if it’s the lack of calories, lack of social interaction or just plain, old detox that I am going through, but it sucks!

And speaking of sucks…everything I take in has to, theoretically, be able to pass through a straw. Yup, two weeks of liquid proteins only.  Now, usually the thought of sucking liquid protein  would appeal to me, but for two weeks straight? Ugh! I have actually considered what a blended Whopper would taste like. So far, I have decided against the pureed burger approach, but by next week I may change my mind. My dietician recommended pureeing meat with a broth or low fat gravy. Are you fucking kidding me? That skinny bitch actually suggested this. Mmmmmm…prime rib au jus frappachino!

So…between my Beef Carpaccio slushies, emotional crying jags, lack of sex (sorry, Mom but it’s true) and general bitchiness…I have to ask myself: Is this all worth it? This is not me! I am happy and joyful and positive. Oh Shit! What if this is the person I am becoming? What if I am a total negative asshole? Would I rather be fat and happy or a thin asshole? I desperately hope this doesn’t last.

I am waiting for happy to happen. Is happiness a goal weight or size? Is it wearing 6’’ Christian Louboutins? Is it competing in another triathlon or completing a 14neer? Or maybe it is just the choice I make every day to do better for myself. Damn it! Happiness is not passive. It is something I have to focus on and choose each day. As lost, alone, sad, hungry, deprived and down as I feel, I have to choose to snap out of it! I have to push through as part of the overall transformation.

Or…maybe I just need a hard, long, think tube of liquid protein.