Friday, March 23, 2012

“It’s better to look good than to feel good” –Fernando (Billy Crystal)

I've been crawling on my belly
Clearing out what could've been.
I've been wallowing in my own chaotic
And insecure delusions.

I wanna feel the change consume me,
Feel the outside turning in.
I wanna feel the metamorphosis and
Cleansing I've endured within

I have reached a point in the weight loss journey that I am truly able to embrace the change. I am active in the gym daily. I feel stronger and more nimble. Yes, “nimble”. That’s the word I use to describe it. I *FEEL* better.  I have a much greater variety of clothes and lingerie to choose from.  The funny thing is: I keep waiting to look better. In the mirror I still see someone I am very ashamed of…..

I sometimes wonder if the goal of being satisfied with my physical appearance is ever achievable. If it is, I don’t have the slightest clue how to get there.  I know it seems ridiculous but in fact, it is truly debilitating. It’s embarrassing. I am not stupid, but it’s pretty fucking stupid to be afraid of your own reflection or photograph. The thought has occurred to me that all my hard work and dedication to this process is in vain (pun fully intended).

And, PLEASE, this is not some twisted plan to garner compliments from my friends, family and colleagues.  I have the most supportive friends and family though this process. I think my favorite quote came from Jenn, “Of course, you’re gorgeous! You look just like me!” She’s right. We get asked if we are sisters all the time and I think she is one of the prettiest women on the planet.  I have my work out buddies, my GBF, my Mommy (who has always been my biggest fan) and so many other who support me with encouraging words and compliments. I had my favorite Drag Queen in the WORLD call me “stunning”. Is there a better compliment?  AND Queens are some truth tellin’ bitches. Rest assured a compliment from a Queen is true! They will read you down if your look is not together. So, my issue is much, much deeper. I think it’s pretty impressive when you can identify your own crazy!

Here’s the rub…. I FEEL happier than I have ever been in my adult life. That definitely has to do with many changes beyond my weight loss. I love my gym time, my trainer (Heather the Super Bitch) and my dear, crazy friends I get to train with once a week (and they make me dinner afterwards! Thanks, Guys!). I am moving into a great, brand new apartment that I don’t have to do ANYTHING to maintain. I am enjoying life so much more and not sweating the small stuff. I love my career, my co-worker (ESPECIALLY my team S, T, D and M) and look forward to coming to work every day. I have even met a guy I really, really like *sigh*. I am genuinely happy. So, why does the specter of body image continue to haunt me?

I was always one of those fat chicks who never had any tolerance for bulimics or anorexics. I figured they just weren’t as dedicated to being fat like I was. It was like the preverbal (Black, Gay, Catholic) person who accuses others of not being Black, Gay or Catholic enough (wouldn’t it have been funny if I said “and” instead of “or”).  Me and the mutants at Table 9 were all one, big happy club. I’m still at Table 9.(Wedding Singer)

I will continue on this journey. It’s not a battle or a fight. It’s an evolution.  No one can change my mind on this but me. I will continue with my fa├žade of confidence until it becomes my reality. It takes a lot to write these things down and put them out there for the world to see, but, it’s my therapy and it helps. I am sure I will be flamed for being superficial and image obsessed. The people that know me know this is a real struggle. For those that don’t know me and think I am superficial and image obsessed…go fuck yourself.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Single and Fabulous (Exclamation Point)

From an article on the “Five Stages of Single”

Stage 5: Acceptance
 You've been single for so long that you no longer care. Single, not single, these states of being mean nothing to you. You don’t care if you’re still single tomorrow or next year. Now you run the show. You’re not going to settle like the old you back in stage three. Meeting someone will be on your terms.

I had an epiphany the other day. I am sick and tired of my own bitching about not finding the right guy. I have so much other shit to deal with now that I feel a little ridiculous for even looking to date. I am on a journey right now that really doesn’t include anyone else.  I figured, “The best way to get over a man is to get under one.” I don’t think I could have been more wrong.

I would say my biggest complaint about being married was we had pretty much nothing in common. I know, probably something I should have figured out prior to the “I do”, but I think I have already established I don’t make the best choices when it comes to men. He didn’t like the theater or museums or lecture series or learning or reading or the same music or movies or travel or politics or science or math or documentaries or ANYTHING about which I am passionate.

My epiphany was: I have been physically single for almost a year now (time flies). I was emotionally single years before that. There is nothing like someone calling you a “fucking idiot” (and really, genuinely mean it) to make you not feel a whole lot for them from that point on. Anyway, I was waiting for someone to go do all those things I am passionate about with me. A friend? A boyfriend? Anyone? Then it hit me: I can just go do those things (wait for it…) ALONE. Holy shit! What a revelation! I don’t have to be with ANYONE to do the things I enjoy. It’s really not complicated at all. I can go see an indy band and not have to defend my reasons for liking them.  I can “waste” money on spontaneous trips. I can go to a lecture series on medical ethics and not have to explain myself.

Saturday night I stepped out alone. I bought a new outfit (my weight loss makes this an easy excuse to buy more clothes). I did my hair and make up like I was going out on a hot date!  AND that’s exactly what it was! I dressed up for me. I did my hair and make-up, not to impress anyone, but for me. I went to a fantastic, out of the way sushi restaurant. I sat at the sushi bar with nothing but my pride. It wasn’t hard at all. In fact, I met two great ladies with whom I spent the rest of the evening. We went to Larimer Square and did a pub crawl. We even met more people to add to our little band of sisters and brothers. I was like the Pied Piper of Singles. It was like taking a leap of faith, spreading your wings and soaring. Why had I not done this before?!

This also got me to thinking about the people, particularly the wonderful, amazing men I already have in my life: I have one I can have deep, intellectual conversations with, one I totally have a crush on who gives me butterflies (I do love the butterflies), one who makes me laugh, one who takes care of other miscellaneous needs ;-), one who can fix stuff….WTF am I going to have just one when I can have six and not have to answer to a single, one of them!?

I don’t want to sound jaded. I’m not. I will always believe in love. I will always believe my Jake Ryan will be waiting for me by his Porsche when I leave my sister’s wedding where I am a bridesmaid as the Thompson Twins fade in with a cheesy, 80’s teen, love song. “If You Were Here” to be exact. Yeah, I’ve been thinking about this since I was 11.

Now, I’ll relish my time in the gym.  I’ll decorate my new place how *I* like it. I’ll enjoy doing my own things. I’ll actually live the fabulous, single life I have always coveted. And…just enjoy the butterflies and benefits J

Now, I have to go enjoy a lecture by Sam Harris at CU-Boulder.