Wednesday, September 21, 2011

“You are gonna be so HOT!”…..

……and other compliments that aren’t really compliments at all.

OK, I get it! Fat is not HOT. There are no fat chicks gracing the cover of Playboy, Maxim or any other men’s magazine I read for the articles or the occasional devastating blow to my self esteem. There are no chubby girls in videos, print ads, on the runway….Hell…even the Lane Bryant models are a size 12 at their heaviest…..which brings me to a quick digression….

WhyTF! Do I have to be relegated to a totally separate department on a totally different floor when trying to shop for clothes? For those of you who don’t know what I am talking about: Fat girls are not allowed to shop with the skinny girls. In ANY department store the “plus” size section in usually upstairs, in the back of the store, near the shitty rest rooms and customer service. There is usually an elevator near because the escalator is just too much physical exertion for us lards. Nordstrom’s is good enough to have a snack bar up there for us in case that elevator ride depleted our biscotti reserves. No one else I know has to shop in the back of the store like us fat people. Even the men’s “Big and Tall” is in the same men’s department as the other dudes. I guess the only group of people that can understand this phenomenon are men who dress in drag. But, they have an entire department store dedicated to them in Patricia Fields (the Queens are gonna love that joke).
OK…so back to my original point. Why do people say to be, “Oh, after this surgery, you are going to be so (insert compliment here)”?  For me this isn’t about being hot or sexy or pretty or thin….it’s about fitting into my body. You see, I am TransPhysique.

Yes, my friends, I am out of the closet. I am a skinny girl trapped in a fat girl’s body.  Some of you may be thinking, “Doesn’t everybody what to be thin? Isn’t fat a choice? You said it yourself, Kristin, ‘Fat is a choice!’” Ummm…actually I said MY choices made me fat, not “Fat is a choice”, so stop misquoting me. Now, I am exercising my choice to escape this body that doesn’t fit.

This is a HUGE lifestyle change. Not only will by mental view and physical body change, but so will society’s perception of me. How will I be received? What if I don’t feel comfortable in my “new” body? What if I just don’t look right like Star Jones? What if my head is too big for my body (HEAD! PANTS! NOW!)? There is so much to process. Sometimes it’s hard to get your head around it. This change is happening in less that a week. I will start a new path. I am nervous, scared, excited and ready to see where it leads…..
But to end where I started: “Compliments that aren’t really compliments”. I have to leave you with an actual conversation:

Co-worker #1: I hope when you get thin you don’t turn into a bitch!

Co-worker #2: She’s already a bitch…but I mean that in a good way.

Co-worker #1 Yeah, but don’t be a *skinny* bitch!

Me: I totally get what you mean.

And I did.

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