Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Sucks and the City

One week down, a lifetime to go.

At this time last Tuesday I was waking up in the recovery room with a bad ass high and the feeling that I had just been shanked. Today, the bad ass high is gone but the feeling I have been shanked (physically and emotionally) is still here.

I don’t think I was fully prepared for the next steps. I was so focused on my ultimate result that I never considered the transition phase; the actual hard work that comes with this level of transformation. I feel depressed and lethargic. I don’t know if it’s the lack of calories, lack of social interaction or just plain, old detox that I am going through, but it sucks!

And speaking of sucks…everything I take in has to, theoretically, be able to pass through a straw. Yup, two weeks of liquid proteins only.  Now, usually the thought of sucking liquid protein  would appeal to me, but for two weeks straight? Ugh! I have actually considered what a blended Whopper would taste like. So far, I have decided against the pureed burger approach, but by next week I may change my mind. My dietician recommended pureeing meat with a broth or low fat gravy. Are you fucking kidding me? That skinny bitch actually suggested this. Mmmmmm…prime rib au jus frappachino!

So…between my Beef Carpaccio slushies, emotional crying jags, lack of sex (sorry, Mom but it’s true) and general bitchiness…I have to ask myself: Is this all worth it? This is not me! I am happy and joyful and positive. Oh Shit! What if this is the person I am becoming? What if I am a total negative asshole? Would I rather be fat and happy or a thin asshole? I desperately hope this doesn’t last.

I am waiting for happy to happen. Is happiness a goal weight or size? Is it wearing 6’’ Christian Louboutins? Is it competing in another triathlon or completing a 14neer? Or maybe it is just the choice I make every day to do better for myself. Damn it! Happiness is not passive. It is something I have to focus on and choose each day. As lost, alone, sad, hungry, deprived and down as I feel, I have to choose to snap out of it! I have to push through as part of the overall transformation.

Or…maybe I just need a hard, long, think tube of liquid protein. 


  1. No veiled references here. Glad to hear you are doing OK!

  2. Ok, I would like to weigh-in here (pardon the pun) and give you something to reach for. I lost 95 lbs. (I gained weight after a terrible back injury and lost it when I got a job and could afford to eat healthy again) and I am now on the other end and I can tell you - getting there was not easy. I was bitter about not being able to end my favorite foods, I was impatient that it didn't happen quickly enough and I was resentful of the people around me who got to enjoy yummy foods and I didn't. However, now that I am on the other side and I've gone from a size 18 to a size 10, I am highly motivated by those previous feelings! When I am able to turn down bagel Friday and be satisfied with my yogurt and granola, I feel empowered! When I hear on a daily basis - no exaggeration, not a day passes when I don't hear this - people tell me that I look amazing, omg, how did you do it, wow, look at you, etc., it is SOOOOOO satisfying and motivating! People also watch what I eat and while they're eating their not-so-healthy foods and I'm eating a Lean Cuisine, they say, "Look at you, you're so good, that's why you look so great, you're dedicated!" I smile and say it's not easy, I struggle every day and sometimes I am not as successful as others. On the days when I feel 'weaker", I succumb (sp?) to an apple with peanut butter and if that's the worst I am doing, then I'm not doing too bad. I'm telling you all of this to tell you that this is the tough part, but once you start losing and feeling motivated by that weight loss and start seeing the results in the mirror and hearing people around you notice - it is like a surge. It WILL drive you forward! So, hang in there, get through this tough spot, you can do it and it WILL get better, I promise!!!

    ~ Robin :) (it won't let me sign in, so I had to post this as "anonymous")

  3. You will overcome, the mind is a sneaky little fucker that will try convince you that you need that burger etc. you will be always be an amazing funny, crazy bitch but in a size 6 instead, i went from an 8 - 12 and i was a nicer person at a size 8..