"Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love." Fiona Apple

You never know when inspiration is going to hit. Most of my inspirations come from the bathroom.  It comes to me in the shower, while brushing my teeth, while perusing the same three year old Cosmo I have sitting on the back of the toilet (did you guys know Heath Ledger died?) those are the times I get truly inspired.  I am a HUGE fan of pop culture, dare I say a “pop culture junkie”. However, I often find it rather annoying when people quote song lyrics or movie lines to make themselves seem witty or creative. You know that status update that says, “We are all just bricks in the wall.” Really, Roger Waters? Thanks for the insight. With that being said, it pains me to admit to being inspired by a Fiona Apple song lyric.

“Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love”

I was watching “Bridesmaids” with a couple of friends the other night. I have seen this movie three times in the theater prior to watching it on DVD. The last time I saw it was with Methling so I knew it would be therapeutic to watch it with friends and laugh…and not just remember it as the last movie I saw with my ex. In the scene where Annie (the BRILLIANT Kristen Wiig) is baking/decorating a cupcake there is a song playing in the background called “Paper Bag”. I liked the song and (totally legally) downloaded it.

As I was, let’s just say “in the bathroom waiting for inspiration to pass through me”, I had that song on in the background. I was trying to reconcile the fact that this blog was started to document my weight loss journey, but had morphed into a blog about all my life changes at this time, mostly my divorce and the prospect of dating again, when I heard this line, “Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love.” Holy shit (literally)! I was inspired!

Like any other addiction, you don’t get to “rock bottom” by not celebrating the object of your affection. I didn’t get to almost 300 lbs by NOT loving food.  I still LOVE food. I still watch the Food Network. I still wish I could eat whatever I wanted. Mentally, I know these things that I crave are bad for me. Physically, I simply CAN NOT over eat anymore. There are times that I don’t have any other options than unhealthy choices, so I just choose not to eat and yes, sometime starve myself. I tend to go to extremes. Instead of hurting myself by over eating, I hurt myself by not eating. This works for me in my twisted logic.

“Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love.”

It’s hard to admit, but I am hungry for more than food. I didn’t just lose food in 2011, I lost my husband. I lost my companion and everything good (and bad) that goes with it. I know the bad was very bad, but there was good there, too. I did bad things. He did bad things. It was bad and it’s over now. I miss the good. I miss having someone in my life. But, like with food, I am not willing to tolerate the bad. I’ll just starve for now.

So, with food and love, I just have to walk away right now. I don’t trust myself enough to make healthy choices in either. I have hope that my time will come though. One day I will discover how wonderful the good can be.

BTW…I didn’t legally download it.