“Run Like Hell” -- Pink Floyd

It’s time to get my head caught up to my body.

I was running on the treadmill the other day in a Holiday Inn in Meridian, MS. and realized I had spent my all my free time running. I haven’t even sat down to write in too long.

I am not really sure if I am running from something or running to it? Eight years in a relationship with someone who just used me. Twenty years trapped in a body that doesn’t feel right. Eighteen years raising babies when I was a baby myself. When can I stop running? Or maybe I just need a direction change?

DIRECTION CHANGE: I have a lot of Pink Floyd on my Droid. I love to work out to The Wall and Darkside of the Moon. I am not sure why. When you think of heavy cardio, psychedelic rock is not the first thing that comes to mind. In fact, when I was in high school, the only people I knew who listed to Pink Floyd were stoners who couldn’t get laid unless mind bending drugs were in play. I just didn’t get it. I love them now. I love Zeppelin, too. …just never got it in my younger years.

I guess my tastes have just changed. I wonder what that makes my future look like? I replaced Color Me Badd with Floyd, so, clearly, I am making better decisions. I know that my future comes with a new found joy of life and a continuing comfort in my body. Hopefully, that means I can find someone else who would like to come into my body ….minus the mind bending drugs. (Dear Mom: That was only a literal joke. I am still a virgin.) What scares me is how will I react to someone new? Will I run to or away from them? And…even worse than that…why am I even thinking about it?

I swore I would be single for awhile before I even STARTED to look for someone. That’s hard to say in a “couples” world.  It is good that I am out of a bad relationship, but where does that leave me? Maybe I’ll be like Forrest Gump when Jenny left him…and just take off running across the country.

It’s scary to approach life single. It’s a marathon and not knowing if anyone is going to be there waiting for you at the finish line is a daunting. In the mean time, I’ll keep training, keep running. Maybe I’ll look up one day and see someone there running next to me. In the mean time, is it too much to ask for a training partner?

I have to warn you though…I am pretty competitive J

The Big Three-Oh!

The changes are unstoppable and unavoidable. They just keep on coming. So far, this month I have:  had a child move out, got out of marriage limbo, had major surgery, changed offices, changed my hair color, started eating a completely new way, started a new workout routine, looking for a new place to live AND lost 27lbs. For those of you math challenged, that’s three pounds away from 30 lbs. lost.

This got me thinking about 30.The age of 30 was a big year of changes for me, too. It was the year I left Texas.  I left Friday’s and joined Safeco.  I moved in with my mom and moved out six month later into my very first home of my own (with Ty & Kyle, of course). I met my best friend, Jenn. I met my soon-to-be ex-husband. I went through a total transformation. I guess I shouldn’t ever be surprised by the amount of change I can handle.

I am just a little over a year from turning 40 but have decided to stick to 30. I have nothing against 40…but I am not there yet. I am starting over at 30 again. This makes total sense to me. 40 seems too old for major life changes. I haven’t even had a chance to get stuck in my ways!

What does 30 year old Kristin look like? Smokin’ hot, healthy body; cute, little house in a trendy neighborhood (goodbye Highlands Ranch HOA Gestapo); happy, healthy boys leading fulfilling lives (not living with me), fabulous career and Seth MacFarlane….OK…well, maybe not THE Seth MacFarlane, but a sexy, fun, Liberal, Atheist, movie/TV/music/book/trivia buff, with a strong sense of humor who actually gets my jokes without additional explanation. Wealthy and well hung are nice to haves, but not a requirement (actually …on second thought…wealthy is a nice to have, well hung is a requirement!)) I figure I can afford to take my time and be picky right now. I have promised myself (and Jenn and my Mom)  I won’t start my search for Mr. Perfect until I am at goal weight. I figure I can’t expect my version of the perfect guy until I am my version of my perfect self. I owe Seth MacFarlane that much.

In the mean time, I will “roll with the changes” as REO Speedwagon so eloquently put it (BTW…I am pretty sure this is the first documented time “REO Speedwagon” and “Eloquently” have been used in the same sentence.) I will embrace all the good things that are happening and turn the bad into a learning experience.

The one thing that has been constant through all of this is my amazing friends and family. I am so blessed (and you know I *NEVER* use that word) to be surrounded by friends, family, co-workers, FB friends and on and on. You guys are what make change tolerable. You are the ones who give me strength and keep me smiling.

I hope you all plan to join me in Vegas January 2013 to celebrate my 40^th 30^th birthday! Until then….roll with the changes!

What a Difference a Day Makes!

I woke up today determined to make the choice to be happy…no, THRILLED…about my current situation. I reread my last blog entry and got really pissed at myself. What a fucking cry baby I am! I should be celebrating right now, not lamenting the loss of KFC, Ben and Jerry and Dr. Pepper. I look around me and see so many things to be overjoyed about. I have been very lucky in my life. I am ashamed that the thought of not being able to binge on wings and fries would get me down. I am better than that!

I decided to list the things I am grateful for….and I just had to add some things that annoy me because this all can’t be whimsical.

Things I am Grateful for (in no particular order):

• Grooveshark
• The dog park
• My boobs (I hope I get to keep them!)
• Target
• Whey Protein
• My new car
• Mommy
• My beautiful home with kick ass party decks (oh yeah…I have two!)
• My Boys (please see this under things that annoy me, too)
• DIRECTV!!
• Droid
• Seattle
• SAINTS!
• Fantasy Football (specifically, my QB Aaron Rodgers)
• My friends and family
• Sugar free popsicles
• Bath and Body Works
• Jimi Hendrix
• Seth MacFarlane (will he ever know how much I love him?)
• Pedicures
• Jenn (these are in order…because I know that bitch’s feet need some attention, too!)
• Scented candles (anyone who’s been to my house knows this is an addiction)
• George St. Pierre

Things That Annoy Me (in no particular order)

• People who use "literally" incorrectly. That, literally, makes me want to stick my pen in my eyeball
• Any modern pop singer
• Not trusting a fart
• People who don’t know how to use the self check-out
• Teenagers
• People who use quotes “incorrectly”
• My Boys
• People who stop in a merge lane. Fucking MERGE already!!!
• Texting and driving
• “Plus size” Halloween costumes
• People who drop in to see me, but are really only there because the bathroom outside my office is closed for cleaning and they are just really waiting to pee. You don’t fool me. 

I am sure there is more but I really wanted to focus on the positive of the day. I am down 22lbs. I think that number made it all worth it. Now…I can’t WAIT to get make into my full workout routine! I will see that number drop more AND I will fell stronger, sexier and more confident

If I could only trust a fart….life would be perfect.

Sucks and the City

One week down, a lifetime to go.

At this time last Tuesday I was waking up in the recovery room with a bad ass high and the feeling that I had just been shanked. Today, the bad ass high is gone but the feeling I have been shanked (physically and emotionally) is still here.

I don’t think I was fully prepared for the next steps. I was so focused on my ultimate result that I never considered the transition phase; the actual hard work that comes with this level of transformation. I feel depressed and lethargic. I don’t know if it’s the lack of calories, lack of social interaction or just plain, old detox that I am going through, but it sucks!

And speaking of sucks…everything I take in has to, theoretically, be able to pass through a straw. Yup, two weeks of liquid proteins only.  Now, usually the thought of sucking liquid protein  would appeal to me, but for two weeks straight? Ugh! I have actually considered what a blended Whopper would taste like. So far, I have decided against the pureed burger approach, but by next week I may change my mind. My dietician recommended pureeing meat with a broth or low fat gravy. Are you fucking kidding me? That skinny bitch actually suggested this. Mmmmmm…prime rib au jus frappachino!

So…between my Beef Carpaccio slushies, emotional crying jags, lack of sex (sorry, Mom but it’s true) and general bitchiness…I have to ask myself: Is this all worth it? This is not me! I am happy and joyful and positive. Oh Shit! What if this is the person I am becoming? What if I am a total negative asshole? Would I rather be fat and happy or a thin asshole? I desperately hope this doesn’t last.

I am waiting for happy to happen. Is happiness a goal weight or size? Is it wearing 6’’ Christian Louboutins? Is it competing in another triathlon or completing a 14neer? Or maybe it is just the choice I make every day to do better for myself. Damn it! Happiness is not passive. It is something I have to focus on and choose each day. As lost, alone, sad, hungry, deprived and down as I feel, I have to choose to snap out of it! I have to push through as part of the overall transformation.

Or…maybe I just need a hard, long, think tube of liquid protein. 

“Breaking up is hard to do” - Neil Sedaka

I know this is a very public, perhaps embarrassing, way to tell you this, but it’s time.

I know what we have is amazing. I have loved you my whole life! Nothing makes me feel like you do. You have some sort of spell over me. I think about you all the time. You come to me in my dreams. You invade my soul and take over my body. Just the anticipation of feeling you inside of me makes me giddy. Your smell, the way you make me feel, the rush of ecstasy you give me are all intoxicating. I fantasize about a secret redavouz with you. No one has to know. You sneak into my bedroom and seduce me. When you come to me I am covered from head to toe in a rapture of passion that is cosmic. I am completely, wholly and uncontrollably addicted to you. I will always love you with everything I am. BUT…you are so bad for me

I have to end it. I know this is going to hurt me so much more than it hurts you. You have so many other women. What am I to you but just one other notch on your bedpost? You have used me up, hurt me and changed me into someone I don’t like or even recognize. I am weak around you. I make horrible choices around you. I lose the strong, beautiful, wise woman I am constantly striving to become. I give in to anything you want. So, I am walking away from you. You probably won’t even notice I am gone. You don’t give a shit. WE ARE OVER!

In 24 hours, I will be taking the first steps to say goodbye to you forever. I am reclaiming my body from you! I will be thinner, stronger and more confident. I refuse to let you take me over ever again! I will find others...others who are better for me. They will treat my body right. Better yet, they will treat me right. I will be healthier for having them. Soon…I won’t crave you anymore. I will find satisfaction and fulfillment with ones who truly love me.

So, Chunky Monkey, Cherry Garcia, Chubby Hubby and all your friends….peddle your wears elsewhere because we are through!

Detours

I took a different route to work today due to emergency responder exercises going on in the middle of my commute. I guess they have their reasons for choosing the Park Meadows “shopping resort” (their words, not mine) for these drills. I mean, if terrorists what to attack Abercrombie & Fitch, who am I to argue with Allah? What’s the worst thing that could happen? A&F is destroyed.  Now, I can walk through the south end of the mall without my sense of smell being bombarded and possibly permanently damaged by the smell of shitty cologne and sweaty balls wafting from the store. Ultimately, those guys (and gals) are hard at work protecting our high end malls and I had to take a detour.

My live has taken many detours. I believe those different routes are the reason I am who I am today: good, bad and ugly. I think about decisions I regret and wonder what they really mean. Why should I regret anything if those choices got me where I am today?

An obvious detour would be my teenage pregnancy. How would my life be different without having a baby at 19? Would I have gotten married? Would I have had my second child by 21? How about the rather spontaneous choice to leave Boise? I regret that choice everyday of my life. But I could never regret my amazing boys. Why do some decisions that seem so benign (getting drunk and hooking up at a party at 19 years old) lead to such a dramatic life change? Why are other changes that seem so right at the time (moving to Texas from Idaho) lead to daily regrets? I guess we can never truly know where our detours will take us.

So…I have made a MAJOR life decision. As of Tuesday, there is no going back. I can’t turn around on this detour. Where will this road take me? I have to say, this is the scariest part. I am not afraid of anesthesia. I am not afraid of pain. I am not afraid of recovery or my post-op diet. I am afraid of not knowing what’s ahead. This seems like a great change…..but can we really, really ever know if the new route is better than the old?

It seems fitting to me that my surgery will fall on the Equinox as it arrives in Denver (September 27^th). I really am at a crossroads. I choose (by random fate) the day the night is exactly equal to daylight. I am a complete skeptic but part of me believes that day is a good day to take a major detour.

“You are gonna be so HOT!”…..

……and other compliments that aren’t really compliments at all.

OK, I get it! Fat is not HOT. There are no fat chicks gracing the cover of Playboy, Maxim or any other men’s magazine I read for the articles or the occasional devastating blow to my self esteem. There are no chubby girls in videos, print ads, on the runway….Hell…even the Lane Bryant models are a size 12 at their heaviest…..which brings me to a quick digression….

WhyTF! Do I have to be relegated to a totally separate department on a totally different floor when trying to shop for clothes? For those of you who don’t know what I am talking about: Fat girls are not allowed to shop with the skinny girls. In ANY department store the “plus” size section in usually upstairs, in the back of the store, near the shitty rest rooms and customer service. There is usually an elevator near because the escalator is just too much physical exertion for us lards. Nordstrom’s is good enough to have a snack bar up there for us in case that elevator ride depleted our biscotti reserves. No one else I know has to shop in the back of the store like us fat people. Even the men’s “Big and Tall” is in the same men’s department as the other dudes. I guess the only group of people that can understand this phenomenon are men who dress in drag. But, they have an entire department store dedicated to them in Patricia Fields (the Queens are gonna love that joke).

OK…so back to my original point. Why do people say to be, “Oh, after this surgery, you are going to be so (insert compliment here)”?  For me this isn’t about being hot or sexy or pretty or thin….it’s about fitting into my body. You see, I am TransPhysique.

Yes, my friends, I am out of the closet. I am a skinny girl trapped in a fat girl’s body.  Some of you may be thinking, “Doesn’t everybody what to be thin? Isn’t fat a choice? You said it yourself, Kristin, ‘Fat is a choice!’” Ummm…actually I said MY choices made me fat, not “Fat is a choice”, so stop misquoting me. Now, I am exercising my choice to escape this body that doesn’t fit.

This is a HUGE lifestyle change. Not only will by mental view and physical body change, but so will society’s perception of me. How will I be received? What if I don’t feel comfortable in my “new” body? What if I just don’t look right like Star Jones? What if my head is too big for my body (HEAD! PANTS! NOW!)? There is so much to process. Sometimes it’s hard to get your head around it. This change is happening in less that a week. I will start a new path. I am nervous, scared, excited and ready to see where it leads…..

But to end where I started: “Compliments that aren’t really compliments”. I have to leave you with an actual conversation:

Co-worker #1: I hope when you get thin you don’t turn into a bitch!

Co-worker #2: She’s already a bitch…but I mean that in a good way.

Co-worker #1 Yeah, but don’t be a *skinny* bitch!

Me: I totally get what you mean.

And I did.